Post Kids: The 7 Stages You’ll Go Through As Your Diet Goes To Completely To Hell

SO HUNGRY: There HAS to be more food in here somewhere!

The Modern Parent is an omnivorous eater, consuming a wide variety of foods to ensure adequate nutrition. Historically, the Modern Parent evolved from eating a steady diet of pizza, Cap’n Crunch, and beef jerky during the College Era to adopt a healthier, more balanced diet in the Double Income–No Kids Epoch.

Having survived a cataclysmic shift in lifestyle as a result of The Great Birth Event, Modern Parents may start out with the best of nutritional intentions, but soon find that dinner planning quickly devolves into chaos as they chauffeur their brood from school to Kumon to baseball to gymnastics to scouts to piano to . . . OMG! I’m starving!

These are the stages the Modern Parent’s diet goes through once there are children to be fed.

Stage 1

Home-cooked meals made with ethically raised locavore meats, sustainable whole grains, and organic produce bought daily at the farmers’ market.

Stage 2

Organic roast chicken and assorted sides picked up at Whole Foods after Mommy & Me.

Stage 3

Bucket of KFC, hastily grabbed at the drive-thru after the Little League game goes into extra innings.

Stage 4

Delivery pizza wolfed down an hour past bedtime because someone forgot to order until 7 p.m.

Stage 5

Cold cereal eaten while standing over the sink, checking homework and packing the next day’s lunches.

Stage 6

M&Ms scarfed from the minivan cup holder while flooring it from the office to aftercare before those damn $1-per-minute late charges kick in.

Stage 7

Stale pretzel stix, string cheese, and stray raisins scrounged from the bottom of a kid’s backpack because you’ve been stuck on shuttle duty since 7 a.m.